Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

Things I’m Afraid To Tell You is a new blogger meme (for lack of a better term) that’s sweeping across bloggers all over the Internet.  Bloggers are opening up and sharing things about themselves that they wouldn’t normally share with strangers–and let’s face it, many of you readers are strangers.

As the opening post in this tough week, I decided I’d jump on the bandwagon and out with a few things that most people, but especially strangers, probably don’t know about me.  So… here we go.

I sweat. A lot.

In fact, I’ve had quite a few doctors confirm hyperhydrosis. But I haven’t gotten the surgery yet because it’s not 100% confirmed if my insurance will cover it, and if they do, I have to start all the prescription deodorant treatments all over again in order for it to happen.  I hated those treatments.  One didn’t do anything but burn.  Another ruined my clothes… and after that, I was done trying prescription anti-sweat treatments.  Instead, I’ve tried numerous other deodorants, I know what colors not to wear ever (heather grey being the worst offender), and I just deal with pit stains.  They embarrass the hell out of me, but there’s nothing I can do about it.  I’m not about to pay for this surgery out of pocket, because I’d rather get an IUD if I’m going to pay for something elective out of pocket–pit stains are a lot easier to deal with than a kid I’m not ready for.

I spent $80 on shoes I’ll probably never actually wear.

And I’m ok with it. I bought one of the pairs of Christian Siriano for Payless claw heels (the “All Done Up” mary jane, to be specific), and have only worn them twice ever–for photoshoots.  So really, I’ve had them on to walk around inside for a little, and then lovingly put them back in the box and stored them away.  They’re a little tight, and could probably be stretched and then worn, but I’d probably still never wear them.  I don’t want anything to happen to them!

I’ve actually considered shadowboxing them and mounting them as art. At some point, I may do just that.  But for now, these beautiful shoes will remain a splurge purchase that I’ll likely never actually wear because I’m too afraid of something happening to them.

Use caution when talking about dogs with me.

I get downright vicious when people tell me they’re thinking of buying a puppy from a pet store. From the moment I first heard about puppy mills and learned that that’s where pet store puppies came from, I made it my mission to educate people about them.  For years I worked with organizations that fought mills and rescued dogs from them, and even ran a website myself for quite some time to help educate people.  I’ve picketed in front of pet stores and handed out flyers at events.  I’ve stopped doing a lot of that the past couple years, simply because I found I didn’t have the time, and it was more important for me to spend the time with my own (rescued) dog than not, but I still try to keep friends and family educated about the problem with puppy mills and irresponsible breeders and encourage them to adopt from a shelter or go through a breed-specific rescue.  And if someone I know (or even just met) tells me they’re thinking of going the pet store route, I will tell them it’s a stupid decision, and why.

I’ve even gone as far to let family members, including my own mother, know that if they buy a puppy from a pet store or irresponsible breeder (especially if it’s a designer “breed” that’s really a first-generation mutt with a fancy name) that I will disown them and hate them forever.  So far, no one has forced me to make good on that threat, but I stand by it, and will if I have to.

It was easy to relate to the shopping addict on Intervention.

And that’s when I knew I had to start reevaluating my spending habits. I knew that if I didn’t start seriously thinking about what I was buying, and why, I was going to end up just like her.  I didn’t want to be like her, in major debt, still buying clothes, begging for money to pay for rent or food.  I didn’t want to end up, as Carrie Bradshaw put it in Sex And The City, the old woman who lived in her shoes.

And the fact that I could relate to a shopping addict who was so far down into her addiction that Intervention had her on an episode, among seriously ill drug addicts?  Kinda scary.

I hated myself for 26 years.

I wasn’t good enough, because I wasn’t perfect. And because I wasn’t perfect, I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be.  And because I couldn’t be that person, I didn’t feel like I was worthy of being the person I am.

My body was never good enough–too skinny for some people, too cellulitey for myself.  My face wasn’t good enough–too ordinary and sometimes downright ugly for myself.  My hair was terrible–too flat, way too straight, and a boring color.  I wasn’t smart enough–a barely B student overall who sucked at math, and who’s downfall in chemistry proved to be the failure of a biology major and the veterinary practice I dreamed of.  I couldn’t sing, was never flexible enough to do anything cool in dance or cheerleading, and didn’t have any other actual, outstanding talents to speak of.  To put it bluntly, I was average.  And I hated being average.  I wanted to be more.  I’d always been told I was more, so why wasn’t I?

Eventually though, I realized that just because I wasn’t perfect, didn’t mean I wasn’t good enough. Long story short, I did a lot of internal realizations, and came to the conclusion that I was a good person, with a pretty bangin’ body, who cared deeply for other people and for animals, and that there was nothing wrong with being average.  In fact, I realized that what I thought of as “average” many people considered “extraordinary”.

Strangely enough, a lot of this realization came about because of modeling.  Getting into modeling showed me that I was, in fact, more than just an average person going nowhere in life.  It gave me ambitions, drive, and knowledge about things other people didn’t have.  It brought new people into my life–healthy people who understood me and helped push me to become something great, both as a model and a person.

So I have modeling to thank for teaching me that I’m more than just an average person.  Strange, how that works, huh?

I still have my baby blanket, Duckie B.

It’s in the bottom drawer of my nightstand, tucked in with a much-loved Cheer Bear and two Fisher Price bun-buns. I can’t bear to part with any of it, though I did give my cousin a one of my duplicate bun-buns when she had her first kid.  The rest?  They’ll stay where they are.  Except when I need the kind of comfort my husband and the dog can’t provide, then I’ll pull out my Duckie B and cry into it.  I did just that when both my grandparents passed away.  And it made me feel a little better.

I’m staggeringly not confident in myself.

And I know it. Quite often, it takes me quite awhile to build up the confidence to go for something.  I know it stems from my lack of self-confidence in general–my thinking I’m not good enough–and I’ve been working to curb those negative thoughts, but it’s hard.

This blog for example.  I’d wanted for quite awhile to do something more than just the modeling blog I maintained.  But I didn’t think I could do it.  Not because of the time involved, but simply because I kept thinking “my style is so simple, no one would care about it”.  Meanwhile, a few close friends were urging me to start a style blog, telling me I could compete with some of the best out there.  I thought they were full of it.  But eventually I came to my senses, and here we are.

The lack of confidence, though, is something that often holds me back… sometimes in a big way.  Like I said, I’m working on it… but I have a long way to go.

Interested in more Things I’m Afraid To Tell You?

Here’s an article on the phenomenon, and here’s a linkup as well as a little background on TIATTY.  And, if you’re interested, here’s the actual first TIATTY post.  Enjoy… and if you’re a fellow blogger, jump on in!

33 comments for “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

  1. July 23, 2012 at 11:11 AM

    I’m right with you on the shoes issue. I cannot tell you how many pairs I have 🙂

  2. July 23, 2012 at 11:22 AM

    Last time I tried to count, I lost count at over 75. My best estimate is over 85 pairs. But I’m working on slimming that down to something a little more manageable… like 60-65 pairs.

  3. July 23, 2012 at 11:56 AM

    This is great that you are sharing all of this!!

    I feel like you and I are very much alike. I sweat wayyy more then normal, refuse to go to a doctor about it, I have a shoe addiction and shopping addiction. 🙂 I’m embracing it all for right now haha.

    Thanks for sharing everything here 🙂

  4. July 23, 2012 at 12:05 PM

    The more I talk about the excessive sweating, the more I find that other people suffer from it too. I have a few friends who do, and who have tried various treatments or brands of deodorant, and have encouraged me to try them. It’s nice to have the support for something that’s so… ugh.

    And yea… shoe addiction… it’s bad, haha!

  5. July 23, 2012 at 2:09 PM

    I can relate to hating yourself/lack of confidence. I felt that way for a huge portion of my life as well and had to go through a lot of personal growth and work on self worth before I knew who I was and that I was good enough just as me.

  6. July 23, 2012 at 2:14 PM

    I loved reading your article – we are remarkably similar.

    I wanted my site to be about fashion and beauty because that is what I love. The problem is I have never felt confident or fashionable enough to have a fashion blog. I have been trying though, and I think I am getting better!

    I also have quite a few shoes I only wear for photos. I still love to look at them and know they’re there 🙂 I think it’s a great idea to create a display for them.

  7. July 23, 2012 at 2:18 PM

    It’s a lot of work, isn’t it? I dealt with body image issues (which I’ll be addressing tomorrow) for much of my life, and while I may not feel like I’m good enough in other aspects of myself, I’m confident in my body now (after 30 years, how sad is that?). And getting to that point, and realizing I was there, was SUCH a wonderful feeling.

  8. July 23, 2012 at 2:20 PM

    I had the same hangups with starting SSC! When a friend of mine suggested I start a fashion blog I thought she was kidding… I’ve always been the one who was “weird enough to pull that off”, and never thought of myself as fashion-savvy. But she talked me into it, and it’s become something I really love!

    And yea, regarding the shoes, the more I think about it, the more I think putting them on display is the way to go. I may just have to build my own display though… I’m prob not going to find something that will suit them.

  9. Bre Dale
    July 23, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    What an amazing and insightful post! Thanks for sharing! I too buy tons of shoes and don’t wear them- I loved your art idea. Very cool.

  10. July 23, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    I really loved your “raw” post. You have an awesome writing style and the sharing was very cool. I love your passion about puppy mills, you sharing your tough moments, and can relate to still having “the blanket”. I am 45 and sometimes its in the closet and sometimes on my nightstand and if I don’t feel well, well…all bets are off. It reminds me of my grandma and makes me feel warm and fuzzy. My 17 year old still has hers and still sleeps with it. I’m sure some people think it’s weird but I don’t really care. I think it’s cool when people have something that’s really special to them that they’ve kept for a long time (most of the time…I think I just came up with a blog post….).

  11. July 23, 2012 at 2:29 PM

    I think it is so liberating to share things like this about yourself that you might not be comfortable sharing. Because, do you know what? We’re all lacking in self confidence. And I’m pretty sure most of us have some type of obsession – whether shopping or shoes. It’s what makes you human and relatable! And I think standing up and saying these things about yourself makes you just plain out brave and that rocks!

  12. July 23, 2012 at 2:35 PM

    Very cathartic to open up and share facts like these! They mean more to you, then to others! We all think we have secrets that are embarrassing… in reality, most people do not care as much as we think they do!

    Kudos to you for sharing! Job Well Done!


  13. July 23, 2012 at 2:36 PM

    This definitely takes a lot of guts to post. I’m glad you did though. You’ve given me so incentive to create a post similar to this. Thanks for your honesty.

  14. July 23, 2012 at 2:44 PM

    I’ve had the feeling of “how sad is that” too at times when my old lack of self worth has reappeared and I realize how long I’ve worked on this. I sort of step back and go, “Are you kidding me?” However, it’s actually pretty freakin’ awesome that you’re confident in your body and that I love who I am. I think that’s a positive thing, no matter how long it took. And, yes, it’s a ton of work but it’s so worth it. You’re right that it’s a wonderful feeling.

  15. July 23, 2012 at 2:53 PM

    LOL I sweat a lot too, especially during and after working out. People think it’s weird but I sweat a lot from the front of my knees. What’s up with that. I think I want to do one of these soon. Thanks for sharing. – Katy

  16. July 23, 2012 at 3:05 PM

    If I get around to making some kind of display for them, I’ll for sure be sharing it here. But first, I have to clean out and reorganize the closet. Oy!

  17. July 23, 2012 at 3:09 PM

    I slept with my Duckie B through college. It was only when my husband and I moved in together that I was comfortable putting it away.

    When I was 16 I went to Australia. I struggled, to the point of being in tears over it numerous times, with whether or not to bring it with me–I couldn’t bear to not, but the thought of losing it overseas terrified me too. I read a story when I was a kid about a women who cut her blanket into handkerchiefs and carried a small bit of it with her all the time (I think it was a story given to me in an effort to get me to let go of the B LOL oh well). I considered cutting the blanket up, but the thought of it made me hyperventilate, haha. I ended up taking it with me in my carry on bag, where it stayed the whole trip.

  18. July 23, 2012 at 3:10 PM

    Aww thanks! I’m finding that you’re right, all this stuff I feel about myself? I’m not alone. And it’s great! It’s like a built in support system… “I’m Not Perfect Anonymous”.

  19. July 23, 2012 at 3:11 PM

    Thanks Paul. And you’re right… I think the stuff we find embarrassing or shameful others don’t… partially because in the long run, it’s not a big deal, but also because a lot of people deal with similar stuff. And boy is it nice to find that out 😉

  20. mel
    July 23, 2012 at 3:11 PM

    You are so cute- I have my blanket too and it is sitting on my bed at my parents house. You are a great writer. Thanks so much for sharing!! I love that blogs can liberate people to express what they like!

  21. July 23, 2012 at 3:13 PM

    Thanks. I struggled with it, but once I started writing, it just flowed. I tried to keep it light… when I was composing this post in my head I knew I didn’t want it to be a total downer, dark post. I’m pretty happy with it, and am glad I wrote it. Feels good to get all of that out there, and I know I’ll come back and read it from time to time.

  22. July 23, 2012 at 3:14 PM

    I agree! It is a ton of work to finally love yourself, but yea, when you’re there, no matter how long it takes, it is AMAZING! And when you get the chance to say, “hey self, don’t be so down, you’re awesome and here’s why”, that’s pretty good too 🙂

  23. July 23, 2012 at 3:16 PM

    A few months ago there was a girl at the gym complaining about her knees sweating! When I work out, I’m finding that I sweat everywhere, including my legs. I’m sure it’s just my body trying to cool off in the most efficient way… I mean, it’s gotta be, right? LOL

  24. July 23, 2012 at 3:29 PM

    I’m loving hearing how many adults still have their blankets! Who would have thought, haha! 🙂 It warms my heart.

  25. July 23, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    I am such a big mouth I am not sure there is anything that I am afraid to tell. Or if I haven’t told it by now..I am not going to!

  26. July 23, 2012 at 5:48 PM

    Shelley, you always make me laugh! 🙂 I agree, there are some things that I’ll never tell!

  27. July 23, 2012 at 5:54 PM

    I still have my baby blanket too it just happens to be at my parents house.

    I too have gotten expensive shoes and only worn them to a specific event and never again.

  28. July 23, 2012 at 8:16 PM

    LOL wait why when reading this I’m like there’s no shame here…til I got to the ducky blanket 🙂

    I sweat a lot too – well only when working out. I do tend to wear deodorant out though *shame

  29. July 24, 2012 at 9:12 AM

    I don’t have a baby blanket, but I do have the flowery (and ugly – it is really ugly) comforter from my childhood that I still use and have cried into more than once. It is comforting.

    Confidence is a hard thing. But you have built a great blog here, and I’m glad you took that leap and went for it.

  30. July 24, 2012 at 9:32 AM

    ROFL Michelle! Thanks for the laugh regarding my B 😉 I was going to include a picture, but I think now I’m glad I didn’t (kidding… I just didn’t have time)! There are days where I carry a travel size deodorant in a discreet area of my purse (or tucked in my makeup bag), because I need a refresher. Usually it’s when I know I’m going to be out and about, running around for long periods of time.

  31. July 24, 2012 at 9:35 AM

    My parents still have the comforters from my bedroom when I was a kid… the ones I got when it was time to make my room a “grown up” room, that I chose and insisted I liked better than the other option my mom brought home. They’re hideous!

    Thank you! 🙂 I am too!

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